This month i went to a 2-day workshop at Allen Yoga Center. The workshop was run by Jess of Brandthyself and it was about branding yourself as a yogi.
I was hesitant to go. (1) because money is tight (let's just be honest) (2) because the idea of branding myself in yoga just seems weird...i don't think of myself that way (3) money is tight...
But, when i got the email from Allen Yoga Center about this workshop, it came at just the right time....I was almost finished with my training for my 200RYT with Namah Shivaya International Yoga School...and in all honesty, i had no idea what i was going to do with that...Some people KNOW what they are there for...I was not one of those...
But, now....now i know what I am there for...and it is because of this workshop...I also finally truly understand why i love making art...and why i get grumpy when i can't make art...or get interrupted during the process...
As i sat with teachers who are already teaching...(i was the only one who has not taught yoga out in the real world yet)....i THOUGHT i was there to figure out how to incorporate yoga and art as some sort of gimic to get people to come to my class...maybe offer it as a workshop-type situation...
but after doing a bit of work...as in...soul-searching...it came to light that my true joy, in studying yoga comes from my understanding of meditation....and how the moment i finally understood what meditation really is...my life completely changed....and with that, Jess suggested i teach meditation...
This idea completely threw me through a loop...
"me? teach meditation? I can't teach meditation? How can i get a job teaching meditation? how am i going to be able to feed my family by teaching meditation? I'm so screwed...."
I went home that night feeling really out of sorts...i had a meltdown...i told my husband what was discovered and he said, " i think she's right"
and with that, i realized, yeah, she is right...
i hadn't signed up for the second day...beause...money is tight...but, with the breakthrough that happened on saturday the hubs and i decided that it would be best to invest in the second day as well and complete the work...
So, i scraped up the cash, and went...and i do mean SCRAPED...as in looking under cushions of the couch and under car floor mats...THAT kind of scraped....
And I'm GLAD I did!!..Because on the second day...this is when it all came together for me...
The one thing that hit me between the eyes was when Jess said, " you guys are all here because you love teaching....."
i didn't hear anything after that...because in my head i was screaming..."NO....NO...i don't love teaching at all..."(and if you are an educator or someone looking to hire me...keep reading before you click off and decide i have a bad attitude...you will understand what i am saying)
up to this point, i have avoided teaching a yoga class...something about it just sent me into the fetal position..The irony is...i taught in public school for seven years...so it's not like i can't do this...
But i realized that the reason i was feeling this way is BECAUSE i taught in public school..BECAUSE the pressure that comes with that is a huge weight that people don't seem to realize...and that pressure is NOT what i want yoga to be for me...
Having said that...i felt a great sense of relief...because i started thinking about all of the things i have done in my life up to this moment...
I taught for 7 years in public school...
I have my BFA and am trained to do just about any type of art process out there...
I have a certificate for cosmetology...
I made an artcar and traveled the country in it by myself....
what i love...is....learning...
That's why i'm studying yoga...because i wanted to know the history and philosophy behind yoga...not just the physical routines....
I said this stuff out loud in the workshop...and then i said..."i have no desire to be a guru...i have no desire to be a teacher...i have no desire to be put up on a pedastal...i have no desire to be a lifeguard and save people....and that's ok...because what i realized...is that what i love...is the journey...and i'm ok being an escort or a tourguide or sharing the learning process from a student's perspective...i'm ok with walking beside someone...but i have no desire to be a guru."
This is huge....
We went on to discuss how my experience with art can apply to yoga...that i don't have to do workshops that incorporate art...
But what i realized is that the reason i love making art...is because...it is like, meditation...that the creative process is my yoga...
So, that is a long...round about story about why i make art....but, it is true...
It is why i choose to see the beauty in everything...it is why i went through a dry spell/ hiatus last fall...which is when i started yoga training...
My art...and my yoga...and my meditation all come from and go back to the same place...they are all part of centering myself and tapping into that place inside myself that we all have....
For some people they tap into it when they go fishing...for some people, it's when they go for a jog, or ride a bike, play an instrument, cook, mow the yard....for me...it's when i make art...when i meditate...and when i do my yoga practice...
And understanding this, takes a great deal of weight off of my shoulders...
And now, I'm ready to teach yoga classes and i'm going to go make some more art...
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