taking time to be in the moment

The following pics are from the National Boy Scout Museum in Irving Texas. They are very bad pics, in that, i took them with my camera phone and when i try to upload then here, i am unable to edit them (which i will figure out for future reference) and they are pixelated...and dark...because i turned my flash off and have not figured out a solution...everything is a work in progress....but, such that they are...i wanted to go ahead and share them because they took my breathe away...
These are hand made paper, pages, which are adorned with watercolor and ink drawings and then hand written passages of the journies of America's first Boy Scout,  "Uncle Dan"....and you can find out more information about him at the following link...http://hoac-bsa.org/news/campingandprogramnews.aspx

 I went o the museum last weekend with my son where he attended a geology workshop and then we toured the museum. We saw original paintings by Norman Rockwell and then we saw collections and exhibits about the Boy Scouts...It was awe inspiring...and made me feel very good about our family's decision to make Scouting a part of all of our lives....to make sure our son was able to do as much as possible with Scouts...but, this story is really about the artwork i saw....lol
(let's get back to ME mmm- KKK?) lol
I am a sucker for other people's artwork....observing the brush strokes of all of the paitings, knowing that someone actually stretched canvases, made paper, used real brushes, inks, and sat for moments on end, hours...to create these things...made me a little teary eyed....my son saw this...and it insighted a moment that i am glad i was able to share with him...
"are you crying, mom?"
" a little bit"
" why? are you ok?"
" i'm good...it's just a little overwhelming being in this room filled with this work..."
" what do you mean?"
" well, for me, being surrounded by artwork...real artwork...or anything creative...well, it's like going to church....it feels like it is the closest  thing to God to me...because those people were in the moment...creating...sharing beauty, finding their moment....when you look at these paintings, you see each and every brush stroke...it's real...and it's amazing...and not everyone gets to do that.... and it's overwhelming...."
he was quiet for a bit....and he hugged me, put his head on my shoulder and said,
" I love you, Mom...."


There are moments, in our lives....too many moments...sometimes..when, well, in my life, when i forget to be present....i forget to breathe...i forget to allow myself to sit down and paint.....just paint....for example...right now...my daughter sleeps...i could be painting my first painting of the year,but this has been on my mind for days, and i needed to get this out first....

i look at these watercolors, and i am inspired....inspired by the simplicity, the details, the use of simple supplies, the limitation of the supplies, the quality of the supplies, the dedication of the artist to make time to create....and all i can think is..."no one does that....no one i know does this...it just seems like the world is just too busy and bored and not PRESENT"....

and i think...THIS...this is what i want to do...
to simplify....to be present....
to create....
to breathe

Art Resolutions for 2012

1. To be more sincere in my artwork.
what does that even mean? for me, it means, making work that i feel connected with and to. Artwork that has meaning other than to be something people can look at and say "that's pretty". i want people to think...to actually think...I realize that in this day and age where everyone is more and more bombarded with social media,and our kids are growing up to be overwhelmed by the world of immediacy, creating something that causes people to pause...might be a difficult sell...but, i'm willing to take that chance...this is something feel very passionate about....I feel that instant gratification is a plague on our society...i'm not willing to play into that anymore...i want people to think...to think deeply...and to think richly...to ponder, to breathe...and meditate...to mull over...to feel calm...and to build new synapses....to feel peace...and to actually use that grey squishy stuff between their ears for something other than how to level-up....

2. i want my artwork to be a place of meditation....for me as the artist....and for the viewer... it is only recently that i have started to really study meditation...and only recently that my understanding of its' purpose and what it is have come to light for me...and i feel at peace with the idea that my work can also reflect this...

3.i would like to create higher quality work....in the past, i have felt such a desperate need to create, using anything i could get my hands on...so i would keep all kinds of stuff...almost to the point of hoarding art supplies just to have things on hand...i have found that it was because of my fear of never getting to create that i felt such a lack...and would accumulate anything to be used at a later date...that is over....i refuse to create inferior quality work anymore...it will be archival, it willbe high quality, or nothing at all...it will be particular...

4. my studio will be organized and kid friendly...i have two children...a brilliant ten year old and a spitfire tornado toddler...both a creative geniuses...the ten year old, is my contemplative soul...he took over my easel at two and often will sit and draw on his own...my toddler, never stops moving...and is the reason my studio is off limits right now...i had purged and organized my studio months ago when she started being able to move around freely...and in those months things have been moved...up...higher and higher...to the point where there is no surface to work on...and nothing is safe..ever..because she will get into it all...and it becomes a nightmare...this isn't how i want my studio to be...i want it to be simple, organized, kid friendly, and safe...for all of us...that will come with the next purging and simplification of the studio...

these are my art resolutions...they are simple...not very exciting...but, they are mine...and i am excited about them....

Conclusions for 2011

so, like i said before, i needed sometime to regroup...reflect of 2011...artistic goals...abilities...the quality of my work...where i want my work to go...what exactly i would like to accomplish...etc...


Conclusions on 2011:

1. i don't like my work. It hasn't been what i really, deep down, want to do. What has it been? me just trying to produce work for the sake of producing work....that's it...it served it's purpose...i had spent may years not getting to produce work at all and feeling great frustration and anger about that...that is what happens when you are an art teacher...or at least that is what happened to me...i spent all of my energy making things to show people how to make things, and then the energy that was left was spent on family responsibilities, that there was nothing left to make my own work....last year, i was just grateful to be able to create ANYTHING at all...and then, about the middle of the year, i got burned out again, realizing that just creating for the sake of creating was never going to really be enough...it served its' purpose...but, now, it is time to move to the next level.
2. As an artist, i will never be happy creating work to please other people....when i set out to please other people i end up feeling overwhelmed..second-guessing myself, and feeling very inadequate....and like a big disappointment...to the other people...and to myself...
3. I am not a commercial artist....on some level i wish i were...in that, if i were a graphic artist, i would at least know where to start looking for a job...but when it comes down to it...i simply am not and graphic or commercial artist....i admire those who are...but, i just am not...
4.in this social media, graphic, computer age, i find that i don't enjoy self promotion...which is a big problem when you want to be able to support yourself by making and selling your artwork...but, i feel like a great deal of artists i see self-promoting themselves are kind of taking it to a level i am not comfortable with...and i tried it as well...and i didn't enjoy it...
5.i have the ability to make anything i choose to make...just because i CAN....does not mean i HAVE TO...or even WANT to....i often find that others ask me to create things for them all of the time simply because i am able to...and sometimes, i will....if i like you, and i think i can make the time for it...i will...but, i am finding that i get overwhelmed by this as well, because finding the time is often the issue, now that i have a lil girl who is a rolling ball of fire....and this is no exageration...
6. last year was about survival....this year, will be different...

regrouping

from time, to time, i find myself at a certain point where i have to take a moment to just "be" and think about what is going on...in my life...in my art...what my expectations and goals are for such...etc...

and since september, i can honestly say, well...honestly, i guess i don't know what has been going on...

but, to say that i have felt "funky" about my artwork is an understatement...this last year i felt like i was spinning my wheels just trying to get by and not actually tapping into my true authentic spirit...i was just trying to do something for the sake of doing something....seriously....and if you think about it...this is the first year i have made ANYTHING for the sake of making something and not because i was having to show someone else how to make something in a class...

i was also spending this year trying to NOT feel guilty about not working...in the public sector that is....this is the first year since my son was 2 that i have not either been in school or taught and been responsible for everything.... it is quite a shift to go from massive overload....to allowing yourself to enjoy the next part....and that is what i am working on right now...

In september, i started a new journey. One that i have longed to travel for years, and am finally able to do so...and it is amazing...i am studying yoga...and it is so much more than i expected...it is making me see my life differently and reevaluate everything i am doing and have done to this point...i am blown away, and mesmerized...daily...

i also started participating in roller derby, i say this loosely because i am actually still learning how to properly skate...i have not particiapted in a bout and will have a great deal of learning to accomplish before that happens, but i am pushing forward, and loving the process...

both of these adventures, are changing my world....and i am letting them...i want them to....



here is where i put out there how overwhelmingly fortunate i am. In that, 1. despite some daily frustrations, which i simply count as normal... i GET to be a Stay-at-home-mom....this, hands down, is why i am not working..and by "wokring" i mean, in the public sector..and daily my daughter teaches me about life and reminds me about what is truly important...and it isn't what most people seem to think...or at least, what the world seems to portray as important.... 2. my husband is a rock star...he has worked so hard to make sure that i get to stay home with our daughter since she was born. His faith and confidence in life and the universe, and in me, is daunting, overwhelming and humbling....and i am so fortunate to be married to such a wonderful man that believes in me...on every level...he believes in me when i just don't believe in myself...3. my son, whose patience and wisdom come at times when i need it the most....how does such a young man have such a large spirit?

I would also like to say "Thank you"... a few of you who read this blog and keep up with me via FB have been so wonderful about sending me information at times when i needed it the most....while i may not have said much at the time, just know that i have read, reread, and watched and rewatched the things you have sent to me....and i am still processing it all...thus, the regrouping...

so, this blog has sort of been an oddity for me for a while....i haven't quite known what i was trying to accomplish with it...but, i do know, that this blog, my artwork, and my life, are going through some major renovations....

just like everyone else, i'm just trying to get through the holidays.....and then we will see what comes....

until then,

Peace, Light, and LOVE....
xoxo
kim

and now there is this....

http://quadluv.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-joined-roller-derby-last-night.html

this is the link to my blog about joining roller derby....

yes....i joined roller derby....

after almost two years of wanting to...i laced up my quads...and then managed to have a panic attack and barely scoot like an old lady with a walker...minus the walker...a walker would have been nice...

let's face it...i suck...

but, i'm ok with that...because i started...i'm practicing on my own...and at derby practice...and if i have to...i'll get get on anxiety meds to make this work...

enjoy

Dennison art walk

making life changes

in the last few months, i have been making some changes....taking a few steps out of my comfort zone....changes that affect me on every level of my spirit....

1. i started taking Yoga teacher certification classes....this was a huge step out of my comfort zone....because i had not taken a class in a few years....and once the decision was made i thought i would start training in january...but within two weeks i was in class and immediately throw into teaching the very pose i had no intention of ever teaching....that first weekend was a huge test of my spirit...i felt like a train wreck....but, it opened my eyes to trusting that things will be ok....i have a tendency to want to control everything in my life...to wanting to make sure everyone around me is taken care of and putting my needs last because i don't want to be the reason that other's may suffer...as in...if there is no money for things other's need because i splurged on myself in any way....and a splurge could be as small as buying a pack of gum...i am learning that...things will be ok....and it is ok that i am allowing myself to study something that i have wanted to study for a very long time...i am still amazed at how everything lined up to allow me to actually do this....it is amazing...

2. I am finally getting to start roller derby....i have investigated this for a while and tried to figure out how on earth i could possibly do this...again, trying to not take away from my family in doing so...and simply was not a possibility....until this week....THIS WEEK....and now, because of changes in the local roller derby having a rec league....i am able to start....i am so scared...and so excited...and humbled....i have already hurt my butt...by trying to practice and landing on a concrete edge....yes...it hurts...a lot....i forced myself to skate three more loops and then i had to go...and ice my butt...something NO ONE should ever have to witness....but that same day i scored a pair of Riedell Carreras for $8.98...which are 130 bucks normally....and have started plans to create and outdoor temporary rink my back yard that can be torn down at any time and easily repaired...i'm using pallets and sheets of masonite or plywood....i still have to gather more stuff...but it will happen...i'm doing this because i need to be able to practice at home....not just in a rink....and not by driving around the world to get to a rink...and i'm not up to falling in front of my neighbors....oh and I AM TERRIFIED to making a fool of myself next week at first practice...but, i'm doing it anyway....

3. i was presented with a massive load of canvases today....a LOAD of canvases....now...i HAVE To paint...or make art...I HAVE TO...the universe is telling me it is imperative...so...I'm going to go ahead....push myself...and move forward....and it scares me to death....to fall on my face...to have a stack of paintings that will just sit in storage because they are crack like a lot of my work in the last few years....but, it's time to move forward...so.... here goes...

i'm doing yoga
i'm doing roller derby
and now....
I'm going to paint...again...

all three make me sick to my stomach...in giddiness...in fear....in complete humiliation...