regrouping

from time, to time, i find myself at a certain point where i have to take a moment to just "be" and think about what is going on...in my life...in my art...what my expectations and goals are for such...etc...

and since september, i can honestly say, well...honestly, i guess i don't know what has been going on...

but, to say that i have felt "funky" about my artwork is an understatement...this last year i felt like i was spinning my wheels just trying to get by and not actually tapping into my true authentic spirit...i was just trying to do something for the sake of doing something....seriously....and if you think about it...this is the first year i have made ANYTHING for the sake of making something and not because i was having to show someone else how to make something in a class...

i was also spending this year trying to NOT feel guilty about not working...in the public sector that is....this is the first year since my son was 2 that i have not either been in school or taught and been responsible for everything.... it is quite a shift to go from massive overload....to allowing yourself to enjoy the next part....and that is what i am working on right now...

In september, i started a new journey. One that i have longed to travel for years, and am finally able to do so...and it is amazing...i am studying yoga...and it is so much more than i expected...it is making me see my life differently and reevaluate everything i am doing and have done to this point...i am blown away, and mesmerized...daily...

i also started participating in roller derby, i say this loosely because i am actually still learning how to properly skate...i have not particiapted in a bout and will have a great deal of learning to accomplish before that happens, but i am pushing forward, and loving the process...

both of these adventures, are changing my world....and i am letting them...i want them to....



here is where i put out there how overwhelmingly fortunate i am. In that, 1. despite some daily frustrations, which i simply count as normal... i GET to be a Stay-at-home-mom....this, hands down, is why i am not working..and by "wokring" i mean, in the public sector..and daily my daughter teaches me about life and reminds me about what is truly important...and it isn't what most people seem to think...or at least, what the world seems to portray as important.... 2. my husband is a rock star...he has worked so hard to make sure that i get to stay home with our daughter since she was born. His faith and confidence in life and the universe, and in me, is daunting, overwhelming and humbling....and i am so fortunate to be married to such a wonderful man that believes in me...on every level...he believes in me when i just don't believe in myself...3. my son, whose patience and wisdom come at times when i need it the most....how does such a young man have such a large spirit?

I would also like to say "Thank you"... a few of you who read this blog and keep up with me via FB have been so wonderful about sending me information at times when i needed it the most....while i may not have said much at the time, just know that i have read, reread, and watched and rewatched the things you have sent to me....and i am still processing it all...thus, the regrouping...

so, this blog has sort of been an oddity for me for a while....i haven't quite known what i was trying to accomplish with it...but, i do know, that this blog, my artwork, and my life, are going through some major renovations....

just like everyone else, i'm just trying to get through the holidays.....and then we will see what comes....

until then,

Peace, Light, and LOVE....
xoxo
kim

and now there is this....

http://quadluv.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-joined-roller-derby-last-night.html

this is the link to my blog about joining roller derby....

yes....i joined roller derby....

after almost two years of wanting to...i laced up my quads...and then managed to have a panic attack and barely scoot like an old lady with a walker...minus the walker...a walker would have been nice...

let's face it...i suck...

but, i'm ok with that...because i started...i'm practicing on my own...and at derby practice...and if i have to...i'll get get on anxiety meds to make this work...

enjoy

Dennison art walk

making life changes

in the last few months, i have been making some changes....taking a few steps out of my comfort zone....changes that affect me on every level of my spirit....

1. i started taking Yoga teacher certification classes....this was a huge step out of my comfort zone....because i had not taken a class in a few years....and once the decision was made i thought i would start training in january...but within two weeks i was in class and immediately throw into teaching the very pose i had no intention of ever teaching....that first weekend was a huge test of my spirit...i felt like a train wreck....but, it opened my eyes to trusting that things will be ok....i have a tendency to want to control everything in my life...to wanting to make sure everyone around me is taken care of and putting my needs last because i don't want to be the reason that other's may suffer...as in...if there is no money for things other's need because i splurged on myself in any way....and a splurge could be as small as buying a pack of gum...i am learning that...things will be ok....and it is ok that i am allowing myself to study something that i have wanted to study for a very long time...i am still amazed at how everything lined up to allow me to actually do this....it is amazing...

2. I am finally getting to start roller derby....i have investigated this for a while and tried to figure out how on earth i could possibly do this...again, trying to not take away from my family in doing so...and simply was not a possibility....until this week....THIS WEEK....and now, because of changes in the local roller derby having a rec league....i am able to start....i am so scared...and so excited...and humbled....i have already hurt my butt...by trying to practice and landing on a concrete edge....yes...it hurts...a lot....i forced myself to skate three more loops and then i had to go...and ice my butt...something NO ONE should ever have to witness....but that same day i scored a pair of Riedell Carreras for $8.98...which are 130 bucks normally....and have started plans to create and outdoor temporary rink my back yard that can be torn down at any time and easily repaired...i'm using pallets and sheets of masonite or plywood....i still have to gather more stuff...but it will happen...i'm doing this because i need to be able to practice at home....not just in a rink....and not by driving around the world to get to a rink...and i'm not up to falling in front of my neighbors....oh and I AM TERRIFIED to making a fool of myself next week at first practice...but, i'm doing it anyway....

3. i was presented with a massive load of canvases today....a LOAD of canvases....now...i HAVE To paint...or make art...I HAVE TO...the universe is telling me it is imperative...so...I'm going to go ahead....push myself...and move forward....and it scares me to death....to fall on my face...to have a stack of paintings that will just sit in storage because they are crack like a lot of my work in the last few years....but, it's time to move forward...so.... here goes...

i'm doing yoga
i'm doing roller derby
and now....
I'm going to paint...again...

all three make me sick to my stomach...in giddiness...in fear....in complete humiliation...

Tired

I think it is the change in the weather....or constantly getting little girl out of stuff....or just not resting well...but, i'm tired right now...weary...

I want to sit in solitude and create....I also want to take a nap....neither will happen until everyone goes to bed.

I think this is pretty common for moms....I just don't know any who admit it.

i work at night

so, it is after midnight.....

this is the only guarenteed time i can work in the studio without interruptions...ever...

you would think i would have this down after a year....but i don't....

sometimes, days...weeks go by, before i get back in here...and it feels like i am constantly pulled in numerous directions...and all i can think is...

didn't i do more than this when i was teaching? and i had a full classroom....

how does that happen?

but, life changes....and in all honesty...bouncing back physically has been difficult...but, it is coming back....strength, that is...which helps all around...

yoga helps...on every level..mentally, spiritually, physically....it makes me a better person...if only in my mind...

i'm tired....but, i don't want to go to sleep....i want to absord every moment of silence i can....every single moment of breathe i can before i am on call again....doing this...doing that...all the while...just wanting a nap...and nice, long...uninterrupted nap....that...never...ever...happens...

i should sleep....i really should...tomorrow will be a very long day...

oh well...

i'm staring at this piece...

i just realized that i didn't attempt to enter any shows this fall...all of the regular ones i have done the last few years...i simply didn't even attempt to enter them....i just didn't have the heart to do them one more time....don't get me wrong...they are wonderful shows...filled with very respected artists...i was fortunate to be included in them...and grateful...

but it is very disheartening....when...that's it....nothing sells...and all any artist wants is to do more...

I did enter a different show...i forgot about it...my work wasn't chosen...for a major project...i really wanted them to pick my work...i admit it...

but, again...with the staring....

this piece is different than things i have done over the last two years...this piece...is really my work...and not just stuff i did to satisfy someone else...i have done that alot...

i have decided that i am just not a commercial artist...i honestly wish i could be...but, i'm not...i was trying to place my artwork in a genre...

and the closest, and most repeated statement over the last 20 years...."surreal"....and...i'm ok with that...

truth is...i don't really keep up with the 'art world'.....

and while i try to see artwork locally...and there is A LOT....i'm not a part of any group or scene ....at all...
 to quote Norm from Cheers...." i'm so out of the loop, i don't even know where the on ramp is...."

and that is the truth....and i'm ok with that...

i saw in FB land...there is always the occasional person who says..."stop whining an djust do something!"...so whomever they are shouting at at the time....and i really wanted to apply that to myself....i mean....gawd knows i can't stand whining...i can't listen to it...so, i certainly don't want to be the whiner....( though i know i do my fair share)...

but having said that...i think, it is important for artists to take a step back from their work  and really evaluate it on every level....the last few months...my evaluation has led me to understand that i am not happy with my work...because for me..it isn't genuine...i have been producing work for he sake of producing...and that is fine...it gets you to working....and then...there is that moment...when simply producing...isn't enough....anymore...

there is that moment, when pawing around to try and accomplish something...isn't working anymore...and it is time...to move on...to take a new direction... to try a  new strategy....

and that is where i am...

a few things i have considered...changing and will  most likely...

my work schedule...and by "work' i mean...studio time....
currently i attempt to have a set routine in my morning so that i can get things done here at home...and then, while my daughter sleeps...i try to work in the studio...some days i get to...some days i don't because i have other family obligations to handle as well...i have found that it is becoming increasingly frustrating...that needs to change...there are only so many hours in the day...i need routine, in order to be able to handle the chaos...

paying attention to social media too much...it is a time-suck and i feel like it is eating my soul....i would say i would delete all accounts...but i know that won't happen...right now...thought slowing down on that...may be imminent....

taking care of my health....on all levels...can only contribute to better artwork...

simplifying my life....there are very few things in my life i really care to keep....
family
art
health

that's it....anything that does not contribute to those things...should be cut out....

so, it's almost one....

i'm exhausted from the day
i did manage a little bit of work on the piece...
it has potential...
and i am excited about working on it...

but, now...i must sleep...it's been a very long day...and tomorrow promises to be long as well...with cooler temps on the way...i love cooler temps...

Eye candy

This weekend I went back home for the city of winnsboro's antique car parade. I know other towns do this as well...but I think winnsboro is the best.

What is that smell?

I'm standing here working ...cutting out some doodles for the big piece...baby girl is playing...aka...trashing the studio while taking breaks to play on the piano and ukalele...chicken is roasting in the oven for dinner...and I get a whiff of something.....unpleasant...rotten egg-like.....is it the baby? Is it dinner? No.....it's my sad brushes that have been neglected in their mason jar.....sigh....

just sayin....

In the studio

Today, like many days when I get to be in the studio, i'm working around the wee one. This is like a circus act at times. She want severything ihave and is not satisfied with less. This leads to a few tantrums, with the eventual nap. I wish I were the one napping. Ha! She is just like me. I am afraid to say. She wants to do exactly what id do so much more than her brother did. I realized today I was not prepared for this. I assumed she would want to be different from birth...but I guess that comes later....so today she colors on my good paper with my studio supplies...and I try to keep my work to myself..out of her beautiful grabbing hands to avoid paper rumpling...and sigh...when she finally rests...

Mom's night out

Last night I went to a Mom's night out event st my local library. 1. It was free.  2. It was for mom's. 3. I got out of the house for first time on weeks without kids. 4. I got to color uninterrupted by children. 5. I got to have s conversation that consisted of more than two syllables.

It was awesome.

buying art....?...read this...

http://www.goop.com/newsletter/147/en/

Thanks GP....

a kind nudge from a friend

http://www.wimp.com/obviousyou/

a dear friend sent me the link to this video this morning....

nothing warms my heart more than when someone lets you know that they are thinking about you....Thank you....

The message in this video is resonating highly with me right now....I was just talking to the hubs about how frustrated i am with my artwork...with how this year has turned out for me artistically...how inauthentic i feel as an artist...how nothing is selling...and if nothing is selling...then i might as well do the work that i really feel connected with instead of trying to do something i think will sell but actually isn't...

I dunno exactly what direction i should head in...

but  i heard something a few weeks ago....in an interview i was listening to....and it just shouted out at me....

"that thing that comes easiest to you, is the thing you are supposed to charge the most for...." and right now, it has slipped my mind as to who to credit for this because i have listened to ALOT of inspirational stuff in the last few weeks...(if this was your line, please let me know...i would be happy to credit you and link to your site)

i'm actually not sure what comes easiest to me...that must sound very obnoxious...i would think it was obnoxious if someone else said this...but i'm just not sure if they mean, as far as capability? time? availability?...but i guess...it's all of it, right?

so, that is what i need to think on, i suppose....and this video....

In the studio

This is a large piece I have been working on since last spring. It is taking a while, not because it is difficult mechanically, but because I am piecing it together...a bit at a time.  And working on it in between chasing down my baby monkey...aka...daughter...who never stops moving...unless she is asleep....so I live for that two hours in the middle of the day....and try to cram everything i need to do into that time....yeah...it's gonna be a while...but i feel good about where it is going...it has been so long since I just really made work I felt good about...and by good...I mean,work that was coming from some place other than trying to please others....when I do that, I doubt myself too much...I grow to hate the work because I know it isn't authentic....it's just work....I envy people who are satisfied with making work for the sake of making work...I really do...I tried...and I felt a huge hole in my gut...and it never accomplished it's goal....so, moving on....I have no idea where this is headed...but I hope...it lands some place positive.

What is art?

Dia de los Muertos

I love Dia de Los Muertos..... I have always been fascinated with all of the color, the parades, the altars, the connection with the monarch butterflies...it is all just so beautiful....from time to time i feel the need to make my own version of the Calaveras...and i am feeling the urge to create a few altars...we shall see what comes about....as ever...


http://www.etsy.com/listing/69190777/calavera-sugar-skull-in-pink-green-and

how to feel miserable as an artist

( i would like to give credit where credit is due for this list....it is perfect for what i have been thinking lately...and i take it as a message from the universe that it is currently floating around the Facebook world...but, i can't remember who i got it from or find the original post...i will keep searching...but wanted to post this as soon as possible so i don't lose it...)
this is where i posted on my FB page...and it looks like it came from Joe Black...I'm not familiar with Joe Black, but, i like that he likes that list as well....
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kimberly-Renelle-Bradshaw-Meadows/53281519952

Dual sides of an artist...or maybe it is just me...

So, i go through spells...like, i think, a lot of us do....this last year, i can honestly say that as far as doing artwork....it was all for the purpose of trying to sell crap...yeah...i just said, "crap"....

and, let's face it...it hasn't been a real successful....at all...

at.....
all....

in fact, i would say that i can write this whole last year off as a big learning experience....

I have found that:
1. I don't like going to arts and craft fairs as a seller.....
2. I don't like making work just because i think other people might like it....
3.  I don't have enough time to be wasting on crap....

so, today, i find myself at a fork in the road....well...actually, i'm past the fork...and i went on that other path....the one where i don't waste my time stressing out on trying to please people that don't buy my stuff anyway...yeah, that one...

because, let's face it...it isn't genuine...it isn't me...

I don't fit into that crowd...

just because i am capable of making stuff like that, doesn't mean i should....

and if it isn't selling...it isn't selling...

so, time to do what i really feel in my heart....

Time to bring out the big guns and do the real work that i have wanted to do for ages...that stuff, that so long ago, was my reason for waking up in the morning and staying up all night to push through and come out with something i didn't think i was capable of....

Time, to get to it....

I have no idea what is ahead, where this path is leading...but what it comes down to is letting go of worry....

realizing that, the reason i have been making the work i have been making is to quiet  the reactions of others....

you know OTHERS....
those peaople and voices that make you doubt yourself...
you know...
the ones that put fear in your head and make you feel like you are less than you are...
THOSE others...

And in the end....they may not even realize what they have said that has made you doubt yourself...

So, i'm letting that go....I'm not making commercially appropriate work anymore....

I'm also not going to fall into that dark hole of what i refer to as graphic artist/graffiti artist/pop artist/street artist....that isn't what i do....and from what i can tell, from what i have seen, that is very popular, at least it is what a lot of people are self promoting....and i don't fall into that category either...


my goal and focus is to do artwork that is genuine again... genuine TO ME....which is the point to all of this....

and here is where the realization of duality comes into play....because artisticly i have been very timid....VERY TIMID....

I get that way when i'm just trying to please others.....and i can play that as long as i need to....self denial runs deep in this here soul....

but after a while...i feel like i might suffocate...like now...and i have to get out of my head and be real....and that is the other side....that has moxie and gumption and lack of fear.....that is the side of empowerment....self empowerment...that says..."you're ok"....and goes for it....

And so...here is today's declaration....

I'm going to make Artwork that will be something i can display proudly...and not stuff that i am embarassed that  have come to this....because, that's where i am...

i don't really like anything i have done in the last year....that's the truth...

it's just stuff....it's just stuff being made....it isn't my best work...at all...it's is just me spinning my wheels for the sake of spinning...

And that ends today....

When i can't sleep...

I play with my phone....
I crochet.....
And then itake random pics of crochet....

In the studio

In the studio

The spreading of the art

quote of the day

Try on this mantra today if doubt creeps in: "Oh, what the heck - go for it anyway!" jack canfield

mid-life art crisis

so, the last year i have been making  art (?)...lets just call it 'shtuff'...and posting it on Etsy http://www.etsy.com/shop/bradshawmeadows?ref=si_shop like so many people...sold a few pieces....but not much....and it is very disheartening...

but the real thing that kicks me in the gut...is that i know i'm not making what i really want to make....

it's true...

the last year has pretty much been me just trying to make stuff for the sake of making stuff...and trying to make stuff that seemed more commercial than what i really enjoy making.....

i spread all of my artwork from the years...(that i still have...i lost alot along the way in several moves) and tried to pic out what is consistent....tried to find something that made it look like MY work....

i hate to say, i'm not sure i can find anything...some people's work you can look at it and KNOW whose it is....


they have their "thing" that they do....

i can't figure out what mine is....seriously...i can't....

so that is my goal....to figure out WTH my "thing" is as an artist....

i mean the fact is....i can copy other artists work just like the rest of them...but, i don't want to....iand i can talk smack just like alot of the young pups that seem to be talking smack to get recognized....but why would i want to do that too?...

when it comes down to it...i just want to be genuine in my artwork again...there was a period of time when i felt the freedom to do that...and now i need to get back to that again....

Experiments in Unemployment: Win! Win! The ART of Barter!

Experiments in Unemployment: Win! Win! The ART of Barter!: "I was itching to log a successful barter exchange (aside from mine) so I was happy to see this fun photo pop up in Bartering Artists . Thes..."

Check out this blog for a story about my recent Art Bartering experience!

Bartered! a nose ring for art...i'm so excited!