Today's work so far...

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New routines....

art journal as blog entry experiement

baby steps

http://www.etsy.com/shop/bradshawmeadows

so, right now, i'm just putting whatever i have up on Etsy....this is how i work....i have to just finallyforce myself to do something, and not think about it....

i tend to overanalyze...want things perfect...and then when i have completely worn myself down...i just go with "good enough"...that is where i am right now with getting my Etsy shop going...i'm just putting myself out there and seeing what happens...

sort of a buckshot, scattershot, approach to life...that's what has always seemed to work best for me in life...to just scatter it all around and then the opportunities that are supposed to happen...find me...

so, right now i am plugging away at just trying to get work in the shop....in the back of my head i am really thinking:

• yes, i know there is better work out there
• yes, i know that i can do better work
• yes, i know that it isn't grad school quality work
• yes,  i know that i can do better...( i now i said that already too)
• but i also know, that i am enjoying this...for he first time in ages, this is making me feel as though i'm actually accomplishing something.....that i am getting to enjoy the process...for myself...for a change....
• and that is a huge dealio.... 

http://www.etsy.com/shop/bradshawmeadows

keeping track of time

http://www.etsy.com/shop/bradshawmeadows

so, I made a little progress this week on my Etsy Shop...Thanks to the advice of friends, i downloaded GIMP and was able to do  some much needed resizing of jpegs to upload to my shop.....

This week, i think i have work at least 20 hours on things for the Etsy shop alone....and i have to make myself take inventory of what all i have actually done to go towards making this business work..

• contacting arts and craft fairs for more information
• looking arts and craft fair information
• locating work that is ready to sell
• scanning in work that is ready to sell
• uploading gimp
• reading about how to use gimp
• figuring out how to work GIMP
• resizing jpegs
• uploading jpegs
• listing artwork and promoting it on facebook
• contacting local stores about trying to seel artwork in their store...
• braingstorming designs and ideas of things to make and sell
• making important contacts
• working on four designs for new print series

and that doesn't include how much time i have actually spent thinking about all of this or reading up on all of this....

and it felt good today, to spend time with kiddo amd know that i didn't have to feel guilty that i wasn't working because i had spent so much other time doing so....i was actually able to just be with kiddo....fully focused on that moment...

searching for old work to justify my existence....

So, in the quest to not feel so guilty about what little i feel i have accomplished...i decided to go through a portfolio or two and dig out old work that could/should be documented and either burned or put up on Etsy...there is no more storing of crap work...and i came across a few things in the one portfolio i managed to go through...just a few...that is so sad, because i have a buttload of work somewhere...where is it?i do it and then forget about it, or squirrel it away to never be seen again...what is the point of that?what good is work that is hidden away? it seems that, it isn't meeting it's potential or fullfilling it's meaning in life if it is just stored away in some portfolio  or box in the closet....that is truly sad...

This  is an example of watercolor that i did for my students. we just took globs of watercolor and  astraw and blew the color around the make unusual shapes and then went back into the work once it had dried and created something out of it....I'm not sure my students really got into this project...but i could do it for hours...i could go back into this right now and work on it...i was tempted to yesterday, and then i realized that i didn't have the lng capacity due the the baby pressing down on me...and decided against it...soon though...very soon....

I'm trying take pictures that remind me i have potential...that i have ability...that inspire me to keep going with this and forget being fearful of faillure and letting people down....that's my biggest fear...letting everyone else down by being a faillure....

I can't help but wonder if other creative spirits feel the same way? Or is this just something that has been engrained in me from a  lifetime of feeling this way....i'm seeking out blogs and other artists, observing how they 'seem' to handle themselves in this economy, i'm reading all kinds of books about how to make a business of art...something i never got, the business aspect, and am trying to catch up on...i email and ask questions...and all i keep thinking is...."how do they do it?"

And then i look at the mothers out there who are doing this as well... HOW DO THEY DO THIS?....the juggling act?....they are brilliant...and they inspire me so....i can only hope i get this figured out...finally...

part of the discipline and findng balance

This is me....grey hair and all...wrinkles...and dark circles under my eyes...oh and notice that cute piece of string on my shoulder...nice....i just got my hair cut today...yeah, short, like i wanted it, and wedged in the back...off my neck...I've always been a "short hair girl"....and for some reason in the last year it has been like pulling teeth to get the chick or dude at the 'salon' to cut it as short as i wanted....apparently they weren't comfortable with that...weirdness....I'm taking clues from other artists who blog to just go ahead and put myself out there and do it.....put a face to the name...get my thoughts out here like everyone else...talk about making art and what it takes for me to get into the groove.....for some reason, "getting into the groove" is not easy for me...fear of failure...that's easy for me...Fear of falling on my face....that's easy....but it really sucks....So, part of 'getting in the groove' is about finding a way to balance my life, of being a creative being and being a mom and wife.....i mean, I'm certain alot of you gals out there know what I'm talking about....living with the constant guilt of "am i doing enough for my family,' or ' my house isn't clean enough,' or ' i should really wash clothes and cook dinner' or ' i should really spend more time with the kids and hubby.' and this plagues me while trying to create.....This is something i am especially dealing with these days...the dog days of summer when kiddo and i are home....and his days at home are numbered due to him going to visit other family members, etc....

juggling....

juggling emotions

juggling chores

juggling responsibilities

juggling tasks

this is what i do, every single day....

When i was working all day, the routine made it easier....things were just the way they were....kiddo went to school, i went to work...now that we are home all day...finding that routine is really hard...and i find myself filling my day with tasks and things to occupy kiddo and being exhausted at the end of the day...and then...nothing creative accomplished...and my heart feeling heavy from the anxiety of trying to accomplish so many things in one day....

I have considered giving myself a schedule, like i had when i was teaching......even considered giving myself a 'bell-schedule' or sorts so that i would get things done at certain times, like when teaching....i feel like I'm the kind of person who needs a routine in order to deal with the chaos of creativity....

part of the routine will include blogging....yeah, this is my messy table....total chaos...

and i'm ok with that....

mojo necklaces

so right now i feel the need to make these little necklaces made of fabric and beads...i really don't know what to call them other than, "mojo necklaces"....i have nothingto base this on than my gut feeling about them....

it has been slow going as far as items to list on my Etsy account...i feel this overwhelming pressure to make new things rather than go thorugh what i ahve made already and pull out stuff to list from that....and this pressure i'm putting on myself is stopping mein my tracks...

1. because i have SOOOOOOO many ideas...that i get bogged down in them....and it is ahrd to shut off my brain and just start with ONE.......isn't that part od ADD or ADHD?
2. because i get so easily distracted by the balancing act of being a mom, being pregnant again, and trying to take care of all of the details of that, that i feel like i'm failing in business...and as a result, failing my family...who need this to be successful...but also need me to be able to juggle all of this successfully....

and there are more reasons....but those two are the big ones that come to mind....

the mojo bags....i think like alot of my artwork...are the direct result of the therapy i desperately need right now....if nothing else...the ability to put everything in a pocket and wish everything will be ok....

I keep , also thinking about a cool chick that i ahve listened to twice at TAEA convention.....a gal by the name of Future Akin....last fall i went to two talk she gave...one was about your studio and your artwork....she showed us pics of her creative spaces...two different small rooms and her picnic table...thenshe showed us a pic of her work....hand beaded flags of sorts...and explained why she was doing those...and a big part of it was her need to create....the necessity to be with her father who was aging, and ill and just wanted her in the room, but she needed to be able to work on something creatively while there, and the portability of the craft...so she took up sewing seedbeads and sequins on fabric....

She made her artwork work for her....

this is something I am trying to do as well...not necessarily beading...though i may incoporate that at some point, because it is a freaking good idea....but i'm trying to make my work work for me and my needs....things i can do while sitting in the same room with my family....instead of feeling frustrated creatively because i can't focus on things in the studio like i want....y aknow?

and like right now...when being pregnant just zaps all of my energy...and with that...i'll get back to ya  with pics and musings....just got really tired....

lemonade

When life gives you lemons...

2006 inspiration

In the summer of 2006, i did a bit of traveling, the firs ti ahd done, really since my son was born in 2001. I was divorced for a year,( i think, i honestly have lost track of time now) and it was the first time my son would spend a full week with his dad...it was really hard on both of us, my son and i, for him to be gone for that long...and i knew, that if i didn't get away and do somethingduring that week i would go nuts....so, i went to chicago to see my dear friend.  It was quite an adventure...

I loved walking around my friend's neighborhood, taking the bus to various places, getting lost, seeing public art....

Big cities like Chicago and new york are just fascinating to me...seeing how the people live and  function sodifferntly...how kids hop the L at such young ages and go wherever they need to go...i still can't fathom....there is a ferlessness that comes with living in big cities....

but like with any place i visit...i get lost in the lines....the lines of the skyline....the details of the surroundings....i want to take it all in, remember every moment of it...the temperature, the breeze, the smells, the people, the buildings....i could absolutely just go and park myself on a bench and sit all day, just taking each moment in....

staying on track

so now, that i'm here....i'm feeling overwhelmed....i have been wanting to  be self employed and be able to support my family with my artwork, or creations for years....years...and now...now that i am actually forced by the universe to take this leap...i'm scared to deathe...and feel like i'm not getting enough done...

I have decided to do an inventory of my abilities...in comparison to what i was doing as a public school art teacher...and what will be required of me to make this happen as a self employed artist....

as a public school teacher, i was required to wear many hats....i was not JUST a teacher...i don't know any teacher who is anymore....the amounts of paperwork and documentation alone is enough to qualify any teacher for any office job...ANY!....

as a teacher i did the following:

• maintained files and documents
• organized information on numerous levels
• organized presentations  via power point, hands on demos,and game show hosting skills
• graded, documented said grades and contacted parents about said grades on a daily basis for 100's of students
• arranged meetings with parents
• maintained contact with parents and students
• kept up with inventory to  to be used by students for a whole year
• found information to inspire students to go beyond their normal level of creativity on artwork
• maintained and kept up with all school policies and procedures
• maintained classroom order and managed an average of 200 students every year
• and i could go on

how can this help me as a self employed artist?

• basic office management skills- for tax purposes
• ability to book and organize events
• ability  to promote and produce PR
• ability to maintain contacts
• keeping up with inventory of supplies used for business
• finding information to keep myself inspired
• ability to find information necessary for business maintenance
• ability to run a household, take care of a newborn, kiddo, and run a business....

i can do this....i just have to keep reminding myself that i actually can do this....